Baby Mine

I wrote this at a writing workshop a couple of summers ago while I was still pregnant with Blake. I thought it was the best way to start my Mommy story!

Baby Mine

The anticipation of what the day would bring proved too much for my body or brain to settle: 4:00, 4:30, 5:00…I have to go back to sleep! The annoying buzz of the alarm clock will sound next to my head any minute. I lay there restless. Would I be disappointed? Would I cry? Would it mean that I am a terrible mother? Was it Blake or Shelby, pink or blue? How would I tell my Dad? Would Shawn be disappointed? After all we have been through would God give me the son I’ve always wanted? Was I wrong to pray for a boy? Shouldn’t I just pray for a healthy baby? Okay, think good things about girls. Think about pink dresses, dance recitals, frilly socks and hair bows. Instead I thought of my three nieces and how we had been through all the pink so many times before. My Dad needs a grandson and most of all I want to give him that precious gift. Shawn needs to coach little league and have a boy here with us all the time. Am I normal? Does every mother-to-be secretly feel this way? These thoughts flooded my mind on the morning of July 10 as the blaring noise next to my bed startled me.

Shawn practically bounded out of bed. When he realized that I laid wide eyed and awake he looked at me and smiled, clapping his hands silently like a little boy on Christmas morning. “We get to see our baby today,” he said. On the inside I wanted to pull the covers over my head and hide from the world, but on the outside I just smiled back. Knowing that I’d never be able to slip back to sleep I rolled off the side of the bed and started my morning routine.

Driving to the doctor’s office I tried to think of something else, but my mind kept racing back toward the words that I longed to hear. “Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Robison you are having a boy!” I imagined myself looking over at Shawn, tears of happiness and pride running down his cheeks he’d smile at me and I would feel satisfied that I was able to give him a son.

Sitting in the waiting room I watched all the other expectant mothers. I bet any of them would be just as happy with a baby girl. I bet none of them secretly wished for a boy. I bet none of them found them selves rushing past the isles of pink at Babies R Us. That settles it, I am a terrible person and God will definitely punish me for my selfishness.

We followed the nurse to the sonogram room where the technician waited. Shawn was nervous, I could tell by the tension in his grip and let me just tell you, it didn’t help much. As I climbed onto the table where I would find the answer to the big question, I tried to focus on his words to me the night before.

“God decided a long time ago who this baby would be, and whether it is Blake or Shelby we will love it all the same,” he tried reassuring. Gosh I love him. How did he get to be so logical?

A grainy image of my tiny baby’s head appeared on the screen. Quite a change from the previous peanut pictures we had seen. In that brief moment as I studied this little life that we had created with its blinking heart and fast moving hands and feet, I realized perhaps for the first time that I am a mother. No longer a dream of something that would happen later, the reality starred back at me as a black and white image. I had practically no feeling left in my hand. I’m not sure who squeezed harder. Was it Shawn’s grip or mine that robbed me of the feeling in my fingers?

“Are you planning to find out the sex of the baby today?” the technician questioned. I don’t know who answered but the next thing I saw on the screen appeared like two tiny legs bent at the knee. I couldn’t bring myself to look too closely for fear of what the evidence would tell me. I don’t think the sonogram technician realized my agony as she asked us to look and make a guess for ourselves. Suddenly my knowledge of the human anatomy went right out the window. Regardless of what I thought I saw, I wanted someone wearing a white coat to tell me what I was looking at. If anyone said anything after that, I don’t remember, but she must have confirmed what I suspected because all at once I started to cry. Tears streamed down my face as I tried to keep my body still knowing with every move the picture of my baby became unclear. I looked up at Shawn’s teary blue eyes and neither of us had to say anything. We knew exactly what the other felt and we knew without a doubt that God had meant for us to have our very own baby boy.

Blake was born a very healthy 9 pounds by c-section on November 14, 2006!

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

My Reece

My sweet little Reece...where do I begin? Reece is my step son. I hate the word step in front of the word son. It reminds me of the evil stepmother in Cinderella and how she gave a all step moms a bad rep for like 100 years. I know that I did not give birth to Reece but I love him with every part of myself! I can not imagine my life without him and I want him to grow up knowing that he was wanted and loved from the very beginning of his life. After Shawn and I found out that Reece was on the way....we were not sure how our lives were going to melt together. This was not exactly the way we saw ourselves starting a family together. But God has His purpose and does not make mistakes. Reece was brought to us all for a special reason. I was just telling Shawn the other day that I think Reece was the turning point that brought both of us back into a strong relationship with God. There is nothing like an earthquake to get your attention. And we were definitely shaken to the core! I love Reece more than I could ever say. He is my son and I will always have a special bond with him because of all of the unique circumstances that we went through leading up to his arrival...and after his arrival. I made a promise to Reece when I first met him....I promised to always be there for him and love him just like his Mommy and Daddy love him.

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to [his] purpose. Romans 8:28.

The Story of Us

I met the love of my life at a Starbucks. I walked in, we made eye contact, I walked right up to him and sat down at his table. Well it didn't exactly happen that way. I was meeting him in person at the Starbucks but actually I knew a lot about him. Dare I say...I knew everything?

We had been matched online by a very popular Internet dating service and had been instant messaging and emailing for a couple of weeks. We talked about everything. Our hopes for the future, our past relationships, what we were looking for, what we weren't looking for. It was so exciting. I'd come home everyday and log on hoping to see that little box from him pop up on the screen. I was such a computer geek all the sudden. We were both skeptical of meeting someone on the Internet. Could it be that easy? One of us had to be crazy right? Or ugly? It all came to a head that day in September as I walked up to meet the guy that seemed so right for me. 4 hours later they were telling us we had to leave because they were closed. I honestly don't have a clue what we even talked about all that time. But there was never a silent moment.

Our whirlwind romance was just that....a whirlwind. Like many new romances there was some uncertainty. I think we both wondered if this was too good to be true. I know I did. A lot! By November, less than 3 months after meeting Shawn I knew that he was the one. I probably knew before that but was too afraid to admit it. How in the world could I tell him? Then one day a moment of clarity. If I wanted to find love I had to put my heart on the line and if I got hurt in the process then God had another plan for my life. It was a thrilling and scary feeling all at the same time. You can imagine my shock when less than 24 hours after having this epiphany he looked at me and said it. "I think I'm falling in Love with you". I don't even think I responded because I could not even believe what I was hearing. There we were sitting on my couch and this man that I love was telling me he loved me without knowing how I felt about him. All I could do was hold him. Not able to speak. To this day I have no idea what the conversation after that was like. All I really remember is that as soon as I saw him the next day I told him that I loved him. And since that day I have said those three little words to him every day, about a million times!

4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8